Mom Guilt- Breastfeeding Edition

First breastfeeding is awesome! I loved it and think it is so important IF you can do it but its also really, really hard.  I personally feel like I had easy when it came to breastfeeding with BOTH my kids. We had our issues of course but compared to others we had it good- my milk came in, my babies latched, no lip ties, or other health issues.

Breastfeeding is so very hard and as someone who has been pregnant or nursing for the better part of the last 4 years I am tired of sharing my body. I know its such a first world problem and I am so #blessed to be able to nurse. I am so glad that I have been able to do this for my babies- I did it 11 months with Q and now I honestly think this time with Kinley is coming to and end. However I am having some super mom guilt about pulling the plug on nursing.

Kinley is almost 7 months old at 6 months we started veggies and now have moved on to fruit. She loves it and thinks its awesome that she can finally sit at the table with Q. Since starting these wonderful foods she really isn't that into nursing.

She pops off, she looks around, she doesn't eat for more than 5 minutes. Basically is super frustrating for me and forcing her is NOT gonna work. She does things on her own terms- this is the child that decided to come like 18 hours before her scheduled c-section. She sometimes wants to nurse but usually that is the middle of the night if she nurses for more than 3 minutes.  I also pump during work hours its a lot to keep up with for me.

I was TOTALLY on board with doing this because it was worth it. I was making plenty of milk for my little poppy there was no reason to quit. I was doing what I should and I was FINE with the sacrifices I was making because the milk was flowing. Then I started getting less and less as I pumped, Kinley just wanted food.  So here I am going to work on weaning her from nursing. She will be fine with failure powder formula and I did give her breastmilk for the first 6 months of her life. I am not a failure, I am a mom that has options and I strongly believe that fed is best.

That voice creeps in that I am a bad mom, I failed my girl, I should spend 67 dollars on teas, make lactation cookies and eat oatmeal for every meal. With Q I did all that and it didn't work; I stressed, I pumped and I tried but he still had formula. I guess in some way I was like I will do better with Kinley and she won't get formula I learned my lessons I will make a it year with her!! I don't think that is going to happen and I have to accept that. I mean I am not a cruchy mom by any means- Q would live on hot dogs and chocolate milk if I let him. So WHY is this so hard to let go? I am not sure. I am so ready to be done, to own my own body again, to have freedom, to wear what I want, to let D be the one to give her a bottle. But then I think- she is only little once, I can do this for a few more months, should I keep trying?

I am thankful for our journey. I am thankful for the time I got to do this with my babies. I have loved getting to feed them but if its over I am not going to push it. Having two kids makes me realize I have to focus on the really important critical things and I know my kids have everything they need. The mom guilt is hard, its strong and I want to be cool and just throw it off.

Things that have helped me;

• My amazing husband- who tells me that what I should do its what is best for ME and for our daughter. He listens to me complain and washes pump parts and entertains Q while I nurse.
• Q had formula and he is fine. Like better than fine- he is AMAZING.
• My mom told me that she stopped nursing my sister at 9 months. My sister is way cooler than me who was breastfed for over a year. 
• My mom friends who answer my text and tell me they get it and are over pumping too.  Their kids had formula and they rock. 
• Other random people on IG that I have found give there kids formula and have struggled with this too. 

I am realizing that this is the end. I am working on accepting that! 

We Survived: Vacation Edition

Like all things with small children you never really know how things are going to go until maybe like 10 minutes before its underway. Overall vacation week was REALLY good- the kids had fun and D and I got some much needed time away from our house projects.

The first airplane ride was totally great- Q did amazing and so did Kinley. They both slept a good portion of the time and woke up happy. We looked like we brought the whole house with us but Duane was a master of suitcase management. He even limited the cursing so I think it was a TOTAL win.

The house we stayed at was amazing and had plenty of room for this nugget to run free.

CO Springs offered a lot of options to keep us entertained. My favorite was the zoo!! Q got to feed the elephants- for the low price of 15 dollars. Which I promptly had to mooch from my father since D and I had nary a cash dollar on our person. We also fed giraffes which was only 5 bucks but added up quickly when Q threw entire handfuls to one VERY happy giraffe. He did let this one eat pieces off his head so we saved a bit.

We did SO much fun stuff but overall it was wonderful to spend time with family. Duane and I spent 85% of the time carrying one or both of our children. I also realized I need to put in some serious gym time because walking about 5 miles a day carrying a kid (or two) is not easy.  At one point I had Q in the carrier on my back and Kinley in my arms nursing. HAVE. TO. GET. IT. TOGETHER.

 

We finally broke down and bought strollers for them and it worked MUCH better. Lesson learned on that one- even though K was hit or miss in them and no naps were to be had in these but once mom picked someone up we crashed. Again- I need to get my act together. 

I just loved getting time with my people!! 

 Trying to give him love so maybe he would act right for pictures? Nope.

 The big family shot turned out really good!! Even if Q was determined to make the day total hell for me. :) Good thing he is cute!!

Vacation 2018 is done! Now we are off to sell our house and get this new one moved into. I am working on ideas to make my life easier and also am trying to find a good book about cleaning out. SIMPLE is my 2018 word. 

Life Lately

We are busy. For a summer that was supposed to be filled with lazy weekends and plenty of time in the backyard it just hasn't happened. Oy!

The first piece of the puzzle is we decided to build a house. This is something we are so excited about and hoping that pieces continue to fall into place. The house is set to be done around end of September/Mid-October.  We had so much fun figuring out what we wanted for the new house!! Q took his first of many pictures on the "front porch" of his new house.

We are working hard to finish the projects we need to list the house. This has been a HUGE undertaking but we are praying the house sells quickly. Duane is taking the lead on this (of course) and is a rockstar. He seriously has worked his booty off and I am so thankful for his hard work. Even if the house doesn't workout we will have our current home the way we want it. Tiling the LAST of what is needed. Next up painting the outside of the house, get the new roof on and then small things inside. I also am on team declutter and get rid of ALL THE THINGS.  Goodwill has seen a whole lotta me in the past few weeks.

Kinley has decided she wants REAL food thanks. She loves, loves to eat and after about 2 times is a master of eating off a spoon. She also yells and makes it known that she wants whatever her brother is eating or whatever I am eating. So that has been fun :)

 We are also in the middle of our potty training journey. Well maybe we are at the end? He is doing SO well and I am beyond impressed that he picked it up so quickly. He also has figured out that he can "water the grass". So anytime we go outside pants come down.

I am frantically trying to get us all packed for a week in Colorado. I *THINK* I have almost everything. Now to get it all organized and do our final laundry sweep - its the kids first flights so I am not sure how this is going to go at all. Mom and Dad are on the same one with us so praise the Lord we have extra hands.  I have figured out my kids are very hot and cold. They are REALLY good most of the time but when its bad its bad. I am hoping to get my to-do list checked off and try to enjoy the week.

I also am trying REALLY hard to lose that baby weight aka tacos and being lazy. So I am working on a few post to keep me honest with that journey!

My sister is also expecting her first babe. A BOY!!  I am SO excited to do all the aunt things and be there during her special time. We have a girls weekend planned and baby shower in July. Mom and I had her gender reveal party a few weeks ago.  The road to Edmond has my name on it friends!!

30 Things on my 30th

I am hitting yet another big birthday and let me tell you its so strange to think I am 30. I don't feel 30, but in fact I am :) its not a bad thing but it for sure makes you think about life and where you are going when you hit these big birthdays.

Here are 30 things I either have worked on or are in the process of working on; maybe in the next 30 I'll master some of them!

1. God is really good.
2. Family means everything
3. Having a life partner you like and love makes things pretty great!
4.There is nothing better than a chubby hand grabbing yours and saying "Come Mama!"
5. Health is wealth
6. It’s just a bad day; not a bad life.
7. Count your blessings everyday.
8. It really doesn't matter what other people think
9. Always take time to snuggle
10. Practice self love and self care (totally working on this!)
11. It's totally fine to say "No"
12. Forget expectations
13. Be Kind
14. Toddler tantrums will end... eventually
15. Laugh at yourself
16. Don't let the perfect get in the way of the good.
17. Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere
18. Dig the well before you are thirsty
19. Make time for the little things
20. Order the dessert
21. Being a little less perfect makes you a little more consistent.
22. Whining gets you no where.
23. A glass of wine and a chat with a friend can make a world of difference
24. Don't sweat the small stuff (for sure in progress!!)
25. Comparison is the thief of joy.
26. Sisters make the best friends
27. Coffee is the best way to start the day
28. Newborn snuggles are fleeting but delicious
29. You can never go wrong with chips and salsa
30.  Life is short, enjoy every minute



Happy 30th Birthday to me!!

Mom Friends Wish List

When I was 17 I moved to a new school, it was about 4 times larger than the school I had attended my whole life and I went from knowing EVERYONE to knowing NO ONE in about .2 seconds. Walking into that high school was a hard thing to do, but I had decided it was fine and I honestly didn't care about any of it.

I don't know really why I felt that way but I was just fine with everything- maybe it was the amazing summer I spent really becoming best friends with my sister- she liked me and that was great. Or the stuff I had started doing; working out and running for FUN, cooking and meal planning, trips to the library to let my inner nerd shine. Or maybe it was the loss of my grandfather a few days before my 17th birthday that just made me realize that I just didn't care about fitting in anymore. I made friends, joined the basketball team and overall graduated with a good group of people that I enjoyed.

Then I marched into Texas A&M and acted like I knew what I was doing. I didn't but hey whatever- I swear as a freshman the only thing that was terrifying to me was the bus system. I join a sorority and boom my dad bought me a pretty rad group of friends!!  I kid!! Because these people are the women I LOVE and perhaps have become some of the most important people in my life. We have been there through so much and now we are at a point in our lives were we are all MOMS. Those girls I did Irish Car bombs with every Tuesday and happily dunked my ring in a pitcher of beer with? Yep, them we just had a 4 hour texting conversation about breastfeeding. We talk now about potty training, how we are going to handle 2 kids or 3 kids, first time pregnancy symptoms, when and if our husbands are going to get vasectomies- seriously its ALL out there.

Here is the thing- they live HOURS from me. I can't pop in and dump my toddler with theirs and proclaim I need wine ASAP. We can't plan play dates, double date nights or moms nights out. So where I am I now? I am building my mom friends! 

After these two experiences in my life seem to have prepared me to make friends right? I mean hello- I have done this so often! I should be awesome at making friends but guess what I am not and right now I have a small group of people that live close to me that fit into my "mom friend criteria".

First let me say this- I am and equal opportunity friender  however as I travel through motherhood I have realized some things just DON'T work. And that is ok- I still love those friends, and I by no means want to not be friends but the semantics just kinda stink right now.

1. Kids close to my own child's age

This is number one for a reason, it isn't the most important per say but its up there. Wanna go swimming? Sure! Guess what my not even 2 year old cannot get in the water without me- he can't "go play" so me sitting and chatting while drink a Diet Coke? HHHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!

Listen, I love that you have a 11 year old and a 9 year old that can do those things and only come bother you for snacks. Its super cool, and one day I'll be there too but not today. Today I am running around making sure he doesn't drown and playing silly pool games while trying to get him to kick his feet in my half hearted attempt to get him to swim.

We also are tethered to nap times and bed times. Not because I am a lame mom but because my toddler turns into a level 17 gremlin if he is tired. I want to stay and have one more drink, or swim for 2 more hours but the dictator doesn't and with that we are running home to get in bed.


2. Pregnant or Nursing the close to the same time

Sharing your body for 9months is NO JOKE. Then you decided to feed the little freeloader for another year so its almost TWO YEARS of not getting to do exactly what you want to do. Its nice to not be the only one that can't have lunch meat or a beer at the BBQ. Its nice to have the understanding that if you do go out that 4 hours later you need to go home and feed a baby or pump because HOLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  Also its just nice to have someone to bitch with during this time, or daydream about how your family is about to change.

3. Same parenting philosophy as me (or close to it)

Now let me start with this- do I think we need to be 100% on point with everything for our kids? Nope. This isn't a mom shame or attempt to do this but I do think we need to line up on some stuff!

The best example I can think of this is from my random internet friend Ashley- we met when Q was about 4 months old and her daughter was 8ish months old. We are in a moms group and saw we were close so we went and had coffee. Almost 2 years later we are still friends and she is someone I truly enjoy as a friend!! However when we were setting up our first meeting she asked me flat out "Do you vaccinate?".  I replied with yes we do, and asked if she did because I thought it was such a smart question to ask. This is something that D and I feel strongly about- we are going to get our kids vaccinated and Ashley feels the same way. I know that her girls are up to date on shots, and she knows Quinn is as well, so when we get together I don't stress.

There are a lot of things I don't care about- but then the ones I do care about I am going to voice that and go with it. We are all doing what is right for our own kids so just know this is my thing and its not personal but I need somethings to mesh!

4. Geographically Close

I know this is kinda a crappy reason to be friends but it matters!! I have one mama friend that lives down the street from me.  Like less than 5 minutes away and you know what- its SO much easier to make plans with her. We can jump in the car and get there or them here in no time, we also know what is close to both of us if we want to venture out of the house. We live in DFW so a 30 minute drive can turn into 2 hours fast if there is a wreck or construction, its a thing and I am not a fan of toddler stuck in traffic. So a short travel time is pretty rad for me!

5. I have to (and want to) like you

Seriously! I want us to enjoy hanging out and also want to spend time together- its great if our kids get along but it would also be cool if we got along as well.  Overall I am pretty easy to get along with and can talk to most people, but there are for sure people I just enjoy more than others. I have fun with them and others I don't dislike them but we just don't mesh. I also don't want to feel like I have to not be myself or pretend to be cool- because cool I am not. 

                               

I will be 30 in a few weeks and I am just OVER the whole high school, feeling self conscious about things. I also don't want to play games, I love a round of gossip as much as the next person but hey we aren't on the Real Housewives and my life is 95% drama free. And the 5% that isn't- revolves around my toddlers moods.

                                             

Now are we perfect? Heck no, we are like any normal family and have our own things but overall we are boring.  This doesn't mean I will bail on friendship if big things happen of course- we have life stuff that happens! I just don't want to get sucked into the Mean Girl mentality with grown women.

I think the biggest hurdle with mom friends is its HARD to find them and even harder to maintain them. Between toddlers, newborns, the house, work and my marriage I have limited time for friends so when I find that special one its really nice to have some mom friends!